My Wife is a Ninja (Chapter 8)

Shaimaa

It has been three months since my Nikah to Osman was finalised. The day of the Nikah was so weird for me, because my mum and dad were sooo happy for me but all I wanted to do is tell them the truth.

Then I remind myself why I am doing this in the first place, I am doing this for them. My “HUSBAND” was a complete joke! He was busting jokes to my family in English, when they do not understand a single word!

And he kept asking me to show him my face, and I refused because part of the plan was that this marriage was in paper only. So why should I show my face to someone I am going to divorce in a year’s time??

He can keep dreaming! And my uncle explained that my “Mother in law” does not know about the will or the inheritance money, so we need to act like a normal couple infront of her! That is going to be tricky! And the worst thing is we have to share a room.

How can I share a room with this joke of a man? And what if he tries and….

I think I need come up with a plan, to keep this MORON away from me! And I THINK I know EXACTLY what to do.

During the three months, my uncle and Osman went back to England to prepare the paperwork for me to come in the country.

Now all that is left is for me to go to the airport and wave goodbye to my family TODAY!!

“Is this it sweety? You’re leaving us?”, asks mum choking up from the tears coming down her cheek.

“Ummi, please don’t say that. I’m not leaving you guys, I’m going to England to find a job so you don’t have to work ever again Inshallah”, I remind her.

“And don’t forget your husband”, says dad, wondering why I had not mentioned him.

“Yeah and him of course”, I say, feeling stupid for not stating the obvious to prevent them from suspecting anything.

“Hunni, I want you to take good care of Osman and his family. I want you to treat his mother and father with the utmost respect, just they way you treat us because they are you’re new family”, my dad reminds me of my duties.

“Of course I will dad Inshallah”, I obey my dad’s wishes, but feeling guilty for not letting know the truth.

“I guess this is goodbye?”, he asks and he starts welling up as well!

“Dad please don’t cry, I can’t handle seeing you cry! I promise I’ll visit as soon as I can afford a plane ticket walahi I will”, I promise them with tears running down my cheek thick and fast.

“Why do you keep talking as if you’re a single girl. You have a husband now, he will help you for sure. Right?”, he asks suspiciously.

“I guess I’m just not used to being married yet, that’s all dad”, I reassure him.

“Ok daughter, Fi Aman Allah”, he tells me as I bend down to hug him and I just cannot let go of him.

I turn and hug my mother, and she looks at me as if she wants to remember my features so she will not forget me!!

I leave my home, and for a split second I want to turn around and run back inside to tell my mum and dad the truth. But I remind myself that I’m doing this for them….

Ya Allah, Help me with this journey that I’m about to embark as No one knows the unknown but YOU, Ameen.

Osman

OH MY DAYS! NINJA IS ARRIVING HERE IN LESS 10 MINUTES!

My dad went to the airport to pick her up, he said it was because he wanted to make her “feel at home”. I am thinking, Yeah right! It is all to do with the money. He wants to make sure she will not freak out and run back to Egypt.

Have to say when we told my mum three months ago that I have done my Nikah in Egypt, She flipped. She was cursing and swearing at my dad for allowing Shaimaa to trap me into marrying her, without her inspection first.

So me and my dad thought that for health and safety reasons, we will not tell her about the ninja thing just yet. We will make it as a surprise for her!

And how am I feeling? NOTHING. I could not give a damn to be honest, I do not care if she is coming and I do not care what is she going to do once she arrives.

I am not planning to be her friend and take her out and stuff. If she was not wearing THAT THING I was actually gonna consider being nice to her, and take her out and maybe do husbandy stuff with her 😉

But NAH, that thing is a turn OFF for me thanks! And the feeling is mutual from her side as well so I am not being mean here!

Although, that would not stop me from annoying her 😀 I know these girls are like strict and stuff, so it would be fun to hold her hand and see her jump and mutter vodoo stuff under her breath (Laughing at the thought in my head)

Oh this is gonna be fun! Just as I was laughing I get a phone call from Amber my “girlfriend”.

“Hey babe what’s up” I say as soon as I pick the phone.

“ I’m FINE, Ozzy DON’T mess me about yeah? I heard from Kev that you got married?”, she asks in an angry tone.

“So? it’s just a business deal alright! Stop freaking out. I told you millions of times I do what I want WHEN I want, and I don’t like clingy chicks”, I remind her of my principles.

“I’m not just a chick. I’m your girlfriend and I have the right to know”, she starts warbling.

“No, I told you we’re in an OPEN relationship. Go look up the term in your dictionary”, I start getting agitated at her voice.

“Well maybe I wanna be exclusive. I don’t anyone to have you but me”, she demands.

“Go and find someone else then! You know my rules and if you don’t like it, tough luck”, I tell her just like that.

“You would give up on me just like that?? You wouldn’t fight for me??”, she starts crying.

“Oh for god’s sake! I hate all this drama Amber. You’re giving me a headache!!”, I say it while getting bored with this conversation already!

“I’m sorry I won’t talk like that anymore I promise. I just love you so much that’s all and I don’t wanna share you with anyone. But if it upsets you I won’t mention it anymore” She finally calms down.

“Good girl. Now I have to leave because my business wife is here”, I tell her upon hearing the door bell.

“Ozzy”, she calls my name.

“Yes?”, I reply.

“I love you”, she tells me.

“Sure. Thanks”, I reply as I always reply to that phrase.

I hurry downstairs quickly to stop my mother from seeing Shaimaa! I do not know for how long I can keep hiding her, but we need to keep Shaimaa to be happy if she is going to go ahead and survive a year in this house.

I do not know, maybe we can hid her in a tower like Quasimodo or something! I know not a good idea since we do not have a TOWER!!

I see her at the door with my father, and I quickly greet her and tell her

“Hi, let’s go to my bedroom”

“TO YOUR WHAT?”, she asks horrifyingly.

“Not like that!! Errm let’s talk in my bedroom. Come on where did you think you were going to stay?”, I ask her whispering in case my mother comes downstairs.

“I AM NOT SLEEPING IN YOUR ROOM”, she says STILL shouting.

“Shuuuuush” I try and shush her but TOO LATE!!

My mum appears to be coming downstairs to check her out, HIIDEEEEEEEEEE

“So? Where is this…………………..”. my mum cuts her sentence short when she sees Shaimaa with the Niqab.

She just stands there with her eyes popped out, and she doesn’t blink for SEVERAL MINUTES!

“Okaaaayyy Fifi, I’m just walking past you and taking my wife upstairs SLOWLY. And I’ll come down and speak to you when you start blinking again. Dad care to join us into welcoming Shaimaa to my room”, I look at my dad to come upstairs to explain to Shaimaa that she NEEDS to sleep in the same room if he doesn’t want my mum to suspect a thing.

“Yeah ok. Fifi I’ll talk to you in a couple of minutes”, my dad tells her looking scared at her lack of blinking!

We go upstairs and my mum’s gaze does not leave Shaimaa’s side…………OH BOY THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Wife Is A Ninja(Chapter 7)

Shaimaa

It is close to midnight since my uncle and his son Osman left, and I still have not decided what my response is. On one hand I feel like telling them to go back where they came from, but on the other hand I feel like this IS my dad’s inheritance after all.

I do not understand why would my grandma insist on me marrying Osman? I mean when she visited, she would always tell me that she wishes I marry her nephew Osman and fix him but I used to always decline politely. So I figured that would never come up again.

I cannot tell my dad because he was so excited to see my uncle, and he actually kept saying that finally he has a family in this world that cared enough to ask about him. I heard him tell my mum that, whatever grudge he held against his brother had evaporated.

He does not know that his brother is only here for his own gain! What kind of world do we live Ya Allah? He knew my dad is in a wheelchair all those years ago and he never bothered to ask for him, or send him money for treatment.

He does not know how my dad suffers daily because he cannot even leave the house. Me and my mum offer to take down his wheelchair as we live on the third floor, but his pride stops him. So he is stuck watching the world from the balcony maskeen, if I get that £500,000 for him, we can move from here to a nicer and posher area in a villa even. We would be able to make the house wheelchair friendly, so my dad can do everything himself instead of relying on me and my mum.

Do not get me wrong I love helping him, but every time I see the embarrassed look on him I feel sad for him. So basically this money would be a life saver to us.

However, I cannot shake the feeling that it is just SO wrong. I always dreamt that I would marry someone I love, and that he would share my values in life and my love for my religion not this arrogant person that was here hours ago!

I mean the LOOK on his face when he saw me! What was that about? What is it got to do with him? Subhanallah and he is Muslim! If I marry him and move to England how would the NON Muslims react to me then?

All these questions are going through my head at the moment. If I move to London, I would be able to get a job that pays well so even my mum would not have to go to work anymore.

I am going to weigh the pros and cons of this life changing decision before I give them my final word. Right now I will pray Istikhara and I will see how I feel in the morning.

Osman

“A ninja??? dad do you know how bad this is gonna look?? I’d be MORTIFIED to walk anywhere with her” Osman tells his dad as soon as they enter the hotel room.

“STOP saying ninja!! She wears a niqab, so? What’s the big deal??”, replies Khalifa to his son’s outburst.

“Dad, how can I show my face to people if I married her? All my friends will mock me for it. What about mum ha?”, he reminds me.

“What about her?? She’s just gonna have to deal with it. You’re just gonna have to pretend that you’re a changed man and all that hoopla”, he suggests.

“You know what dad. I was happy when you suggested that nothing has to happen between us as a married couple. PHEW good thinking!”, I tell him.

“I didn’t suggest that for you! I did it for her. I feel like crap already, and I want her to get out of this with her head held high and not feeling used by you”, says my dad.

“Whatever! I know you don’t care about me and all that, so it’s fine” I answer him feeling rejected by his comment.

“I don’t care about you?? So you think I’m doing this for myself?? Walah you and your mother are ungrateful. You don’t know half of what’s going on with my life. All you two care about is yourselves”, he says in anger.

“Because I learnt from you innit? All you care about is money money and guess what MORE money”, I tell him the facts that he’s afraid to admit.

“This conversation is over!”, he yells at me.
“FINE! I just want my share and I’ll be out of your life for good!”, I yell back.
“Do what you wish son. I have lost interest in your little tantrums”.

We end the conversation and we sit silently just staring at the wall, until I decide I need to get out of here and hit the bars in Egypt boy. I am gonna make myself forget about everything in this world, maybe get some Egyptian chick too.

Khalifa

I just had a fight with my son, and as usual instead of apologizing to me he will come back wasted. To be honest, it is my own fault he turned out this way.

From a young age I wanted to take him under my wings and teach him everything I know in life, but his mum would not let me.

If I wanted to spend time with my son, she would suggest that instead of wasting my time I should be having meetings or something to generate more money!

At first I fought with her, but as the nagging went on I stopped trying. I thought to myself what harm could my lack of presence in my son’s life do?

Never in a million years have I wished this! The boy is beyond repair. Looking at Mohamed’s daughter Shaimaa, I realized how messed up my son is.

She is the most polite and intelligent girl I have ever seen in a long time Mashallah. And seeing Mohamed my brother in a wheelchair was really tough too, I mean whatever is gone in our lives is something and seeing my brother like that is something else man!

I feel so sorry for him, and offering help right now would look like such a hypocrisy.

When Shaimaa told me that she and her mum have been taking care of my brother all these years, it made me look so small.

She is only 18 and instead of running away, she has been their rock. What an amazing girl Mashallah! I just hope that she agrees to the marriage, because there is nothing left for me but money right now. It is kind of my security blanket, my only friend!

“Ouch!” I shout while holding my left arm, which has been hurting for quite sometime now! Very odd indeed! I better get myself checked out when I get back to England.

Shaimaa

Ok, I saw a weird dream last night and I think I made my decision. I saw my grandma and she was holding my hand, and taking me to a house and pointing to Osman saying –

“That’s your husband Shaimaa”, she says while taking my face in her hands.

And I look towards him and I see him covered in blood asking for my help! I got freaked out and I jumped out of my bed and recited Aayat al-Kursi, and I could not go back to sleep after that.

I know this looks like a nightmare, but somehow I felt that I am needed in my uncle’s house? I felt at peace with my decision……….

I am going to say yes to my uncle……….. I am going to marry Osman and get the financial help that my family so desperately need………even though leaving them would be the hardest thing in the world, but I gotta go and find a way to help my mum and dad and my brother Amr…….

I am going to England, and I am certain that Allah will guide me to the right path Inshallah, Ameen.

My Wife is a Ninja (Chapter 6)

Shaimaa

It has been a few days since I got fired from my job and I have not told my parents yet! Every time I try and open my mouth, I see their hopeful faces and my tongue gets stuck. I just cannot do it! I get out of the house everyday and go to the mosque to kill time before I go back home. I know I cannot hide it forever, but I just need some time to figure out a plan.

I went out to look for work as soon as I got fired, but nobody is willing to give me a chance wearing a Niqab 😦 I cannot just give up wearing it for a bunch of ignorants, I WILL NOT.

I will pray for Allah to show me a way out of this. My mum suffers from osteoporosis and making her work full time is out of the question.

Ya Allah help me find a way to provide for my family who have been nothing but good to me.

I was deep in my Duaa when I heard a knock on our door. I was a bit surprised because we do not get that many visitors, apart from our neighbour who visits my mum daily but she left about an hour ago as usual. I wonder who this could be?

Osman

I am standing outside this HIDEOUS door waiting to meet the girl I am about to marry, and I say that in confidence now because LOOK AT THIS OLD DOOR! Why would she refuse? So pardon me when I say EEEEUGGHHH!!

I made my dad knock because I did not want to catch any germs from this door. This trip has been nothing but annoying so far.

As soon as we landed in the airport, I was hit by pollution. I think I need a mask and I am not even lying! I thought going to Egypt would be soooo cool. I thought we were going to go to Sharm El Sheikh or something, but noooo we are going to this filthy FILTHY place to meet her!

I mean how poor can someone be? I swear I used to think Tottenham, Hackney and Leyton were eeuugghhh but this place wins hands down bro.

When the driver dropped us, I was SURROUNDED with people begging for money! And all I was thinking about was STEP AWAY FROM THE ARMANI SUIT PEOPLE!

Anyway I keep reminding myself of the £100.000, I got a lot from my dad, do not get me wrong but this is an offer I could not refuse.

Imagine how the chicks will react when they know I have that amount! So I will just grin and bear the pollution, the hideous door and the people.

I just hope this Shaimaa person is HOT MAN, I mean she better be otherwise I will be stucked with her FOR A YEAR! The thought is killing me here!

We were waiting for someone to open when A SPIDER CAME DOWN FROM THE CEILING AND LANDED IN FRONT OF MY FACE! I have to say I screamed.

THE ONE THING that scares me is Spiders! It is the legs, it makes my whole body shudder. And now I am standing here screaming like a girl because of it!

At that moment the door opens and we are greeted by a boy, who looks about nine years old.

“Asalamu Alykum son, I’m your uncle Khalifa. Is your dad here?”, asks my dad.

The boy does not reply and he runs back inside, but moments later a man in a very old looking wheelchair comes to the door. I guess that is my uncle?

“KHALIFA MY BROTHER? IS THIS REALLY YOU STANDING HERE IN FRONT OF ME?”, asks my uncle feeling very emotional and surprised at our impromptu visit.

“Yes Mohamed, it really is me”, replies my dad in a choked up voice that I see for the first time in ages.

“Come in, come in. SARA tell Shaimaa to go and buy some Gateaux from the bakery shop around the corner”, he tells his wife.

“No brother, please don’t bother yourself. There’s no need for all that”. My dad tries to stop them from making a big fuss because he can see that they obviously cannot afford it.

“Nonsense!. SHAIMAA, come and say Salam to your uncle”, yells my uncle to my future wife YIPEEEEEEE.

It takes a few minutes for my hopefully VERY SEXY wife to come and greet us, and now the door is opening…..My heart will go on is playing in my head and HERE SHE IS MY………………

NINJA? WHOA WHOA WHOA WAIT A MINUTE! Maybe that is Shaimaa’s friend?

NOPE NOPE, the ninja is coming to greet us. HEEEELLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shaimaa

Apparantley MY UNCLE IS HERE? What is that about! All of a sudden he remembers he has a brother? What is going on here?

To make it worse my dad wants me to go and buy a Gateaux! I am trying to save money until I find a job. But I cannot break my dad’s word, so I put on my niqab and I go to greet him and buy the cake.

When I walk out of my room, I see two people sitting on the sofa next to my dad. I guess he brought his son with him? I look at them both and it feels like they just saw a ghost from the look of shock on their faces!

Whatever! I say my Salams and I was about to go, when my uncle stops me.

“Shaimaa, please don’t bother yourself daughter. Mohamed, tea will do walahi”. He pleads with my dad.

“Ok then if you insist”, replies my dad.

As I was about to get up, my uncle asks me to sit down to talk to me about something.

“Mohamed, I’m asking for Shaimaa’s hand in marriage for my son Osman”. starts my uncle and pointing towards the man who looks like he has seen a ghost.

“Ha? where did this come from? I’m sorry I mean this is just so sudden!”, wonders my dad.

“No sudden or anything Mohamed. I was looking for a good girl for my son for ages, and who is better suited to him that a good daughter like Shaimaa Mashallah”, explains my uncle and looking towards the ghost, I mean Osman!

“I’d be honoured brother, but the decision lies with Shaimaa”, says my dad looking towards me in amazement.

I am feeling very suspicious about this whole thing. My grandma used to always tell me that my uncle always has an agenda before he speaks, so I ask my dad to be alone with my uncle and Mr I am about to die from the shock.

My dad goes to his room, and my mum brings the tea to us and excuses herself to be with my dad. I do not say anything and I just sit here staring at them from behind my niqab.

“Dad, why is she staring at us like that?? Dad she’s not blinking like when my mum gets angry”, says “my suitor”.

“Ozzy!! It’s the way you are reacting to her. Look at yourself behaving like a woman who saw a ghost”, my uncle replies to his son obviously thinking that I do not speak English so I do not understand what they are saying.

“Nah man, forget this. I ain’t marrying a ninja man, I thought she was gonna be like HOT and not a ninja!”, says Osman.

“You know ninja is the same word in Arabic, so STOP embarrassing me”, my uncle tells his son quietly.

“I don’t want this money anymore. You can keep all the inheritance money, I don’t give a flying…..” Osman tells his dad before he gets to finish the swear word he was about to say.

“DON’T SWEAR! These people are respectful not like you”, he says and getting frustrated by his son’s lack of interest in me.

“Shaimaa habibti, you’re not saying much. Is there anything you wanna ask me?”, my uncle asks me in Arabic.

“No, I pretty much get it now”, I answer in an American accent.

They both look at each other in shock, and they seem embarrassed by their conversation.

“Ok look. The story is my mother, your grand mother left us an inheritance of £1 million pounds split into half between me and my brother”, he starts explaining.

“But the only way to get it, is for my son to marry you for a year and everyone goes their separate ways”, he continues.

“I know it sounds so materialistic to you daughter, but we really need it and from the looks of things here. I feel that this money will make a big difference to your family too right?”, he asks me with eyes that is almost pleading for me to say yes.

“I don’t know what to say to be honest uncle. You show up after all these years, and my dad feels happier for the first time in a while. I do not wanna crush his heart and tell him that his brother is only interested in a business deal with his daughter”, I reply.

“I know I’m a horrible person. But I’m desperate, please consider it. I mean the marriage could be a piece of paper, you don’t have to do anything with this boy”, he pleads.

“Yeah, BELIEVE ME you don’t have to feel obliged I give up my rights honestly”, adds Osman in a matter of fact way, as the thought of marrying me looks like it’s terrifying him A LOT.

“I need to think this through. You will get my answer tomorrow Inshallah, after I pray Istikhara”, I give them an answer.

“Ok, we will come back again to get the response from you. But please put your dad into your consideration. imagine what £500.000 could do for all of you”, my uncle reminds me of the benefit of this deal.

“Me and my mum have been taking care of my dad all this time, so we know what’s best for my dad, uncle, not trying to be rude or anything”, I remind him.

“Of course”, he says.

“Let’s act normal around my dad, so he won’t find out the real reason behind this visit. Like I said before, he doesn’t need any heartbreak”, I tell them.

“Sure” They both say in unison.

So I leave the room, and go to get my dad to come back and spend time with his brother. I go back to my room, and sit there wondering what I should do?

My Wife is a Ninja (Chapter 5)

Shaimaa

“May Allah forgive you for that”, 18 year old Shaimaa says it while she leaves the shop.

Ya Rabbii what am I gonna do now? My boss FIRED ME for wearing the Niqab! He said that I will not be attracting customers if I continue to wear it.

I was lucky enough to get that job in Omar Affandi, selling ties. Allah only knows how long it took me to find a job after my dad’s accident.I could not let my mum work full time cleaning houses, I see how she much she suffers already. I had to find work to make ends meet, and the sales assistant job was just what we needed. The money wasn’t much, but it was enough to put bread on the table and now I have lost it for something that has nothing to do with my abilities as a sales assistant.

As soon as I walked in the store that Monday, he called me to talk to me and told me that he has no problem with Niqabis but it was not going to work out with my job. If only he knew why I chose to wear it, he will understand. Actually, I do not talk to anyone about that night, I would not dare tell a soul ESPECIALLY my father.

I was coming back from work and it was late at night, because we had to do stock take in the store. What happened next is too horrible for me to recall. From that day on I hated myself, I hated my face. I decided that no man is gonna see me EVER again, no man is gonna look at me and think MEAT.

It all started when that singer SHAKIRA came into the public eye. Every person I meet would point out how similar we were, and how much we look alike. At first I did not think much of it, and I dismissed the whole thing. I could not really care less about her as I was busy with my life to worry about trivial things. But as Shakira’s popularity rose, men’s interest in me became more. The fact that I wore my hijab didn’t stop them annoying me with

“HEY SHAKIRA GIVE US A DANCE WIIL YOU?”

Or

“MY HIPS DON’T LIEEEE, MY HIPS DON’T WHAT? THEY DON’T LIIIEEE” In a really thick Egyptian accent.

Like I said before, all these things did not bother me until that fateful night! That was when I decided that enough is enough. I am going to cover my face altogether to escape the pain of what happened. I know it was not really a religious reason to wear but I just had to. However, my love for this piece of clothing started to grow day by day as time went on. I loved the respect I got whenever I walked past anyone. Men would make way, and women would smile at you in respect. Any traces of SHAKIRA were erased, and with that I put what happened on that night at the back of my mind.

But now THIS happens and I have NO idea what to do!

Back in England Khalifa forces Osman to tell his mother Fifi about the impending proposal, because he was TOO afraid of her reaction.

Khalifa

He told his son to tell her that he saw a picture of Shaimaa on facebook, and that they were chatting for months before they decided to confront us about “their love”

Khalifa planned it like that because he knew that deep down Fifi would not be able to resist her son’s requests. He knew that if HE was the one to say anything, she would get suspicious so he decided that it should come from his son.

Now he is standing outside the living room door listening intently, hoping that his son succeeds in this mission. As much as he hates his brother, he still wouldn’t like his brother’s daughter to be treated badly by his wife ESPECIALLY if they want the year to finish in peace.

“MAAFAYLE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU”, Shouts Osman as he enters the living room to talk to his mother.

“WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT CALLING ME THAT HIDEOUS NAME HA DONKEY?”, Fifi says in a VERY agitated tone.

“Come on! Maafayle is one sexy name. I mean I told myself I am NEVER going to marry a girl unless she is called Maafayle like you ma”, he tells her while chuckling loudly.

“Don’t you dare! Anything but that. Maafayle my foot!”, replies Fifi angrily.

“So you DON’T want me to choose a girl called Maafayle right?”, he asks her to confirm.

“YES, what are you getting at here? I have an appointment to get my nails done and I cannot be bothered with your silly games Ozzy ALRIGHT?”, she replies and getting more annoyed by the second.

“Ma, I want to get married. I have found my princess who’s gonna complete my life through facebook”, he tells her in a serious tone.

“Oh really! and who might she be? a millionare’s daughter I hope”, she answers and pretending to go along with this nonsense.

“MONEY is not what am after mother. I’m after love, LOVE that is so deep that you or ANYONE can understand it ”, he tells her in a dramatic manner.

“I don’t want no poor girl in my house yeah! Are you crazy? She better be from a well respected family”, replies Fifi with a worried voice as she starts to wonder if her son is joking or not.

“Nothing and NO ONE can come between me and my cousin”, shouts Osman to add more drama to the conversation.

“Cousin??? What cousin? My sister’s daughter? No way in hell I’m telling you now Ozzy”, she orders him.

“Actually, erm….it’s Shaimaa my dad’s brother’s daughter”, he tells her while covering his ears for what is about to come.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?? ”, she shouts so loudly that she loses her voice a little bit.

“Come on ma, she can belly dance to me like this”, he starts to belly dance in a questionable way.

Fifi responds with throwing shoes at him!!

“It’s not fair!! You know how much I like belly dancing. I mean I love Shaimaa and NO ONE is gonna stop me from marrying her”, says Osman as he leaves the living room before he falls laughing next to his dad who was standing outside.

“GET UP! She might see you!!”, whispers Khalifa to his son.

“Ok Khalifa. I done my bit and now it’s your turn”, Osman reminds his dad about the agreement.

“£100.000 here I cooooommmmeeeee”

Khalifa stands outside the living room for a while, to make sure no flying shoes comes his way!

“Fifi, what’s going on?? I heard your screaming”, asks Khalifa by acting puzzled.

“YOUR SON MET YOUR BROTHER’S DAUGHTER ONLINE AND SHE MADE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH HER”, she says loudly.

“WHAT??? I’m soooo gonna stop this from happening”, replies Khalifa.

“You MUST STOP THIS I’m telling you. This could be such a disaster to my reputation” she informs him.

“Although……”, says Khalifa holding his chin and pretending to think.

“Although what??”, asks Fifi.

“If we force him not to marry her, he will do it anyway. You KNOW your son, and that way we would lose him to THEM”, explains Khalifa.

Fifi calms down and tries to take in what Khalifa is telling her.

“You see if we agree to this, she’ll be under our watchful eyes and that way she can’t CONTROL him”, Khalifa emphasis on the word control as he knows how much his wife loves to be in control of things.

“That does make sense! No way is that low life taking MY SON away from me”, she agrees.

“So you think we should say yes?”, asks Khalifa to make it look like she is the one who made the decision all by herself.

“I suppose!! But I’m gonna have to do A LOT of work to make into a girl of a high class manner. I mean she lives in Egypt!! Uff what a disaster!!”, she replies.

“All up to you love”, says Khalifa and leaving Fifi to ponder on the situation.

Khalifa feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulder, and all he has to do is convince his brother and Shaimaa about this……..

Egypt here we come!!!!! GULP

My Wife is a Ninja (Chapter 4)

Khalifa

Things were not going really well in my shops, and I say so because the dreaded credit crunch has reached me as well.

I thought to myself-

“Don’t worry Khalifa, people will still want go out and eat even if they don’t have money to spend”

It turns out they do not! Everyone is looking after their pennies. At first we had to cut back staff to save some profit, and then the cost of gas and electricity went rocket high so I decided I will have to shut down a couple of shops as it was getting too expensive to rent the places. Few months later I shut down two more shops, so that is FOUR of my shops closed. Now I am only left with two, and I am going to do whatever it takes to keep them running.

I just NEED someone to help me without having to pay them anything! Walah what is the point in having a SON when they are no use to you.

Osman is my only son, because my wife Fifi did not wanna “ruin her figure” with more kids as she always used to put it. You see my wife and my son only talk to me to ask for money, that is their number one priority in life. All they care about is their VERY expensive life style, that I have to work hard for in return to nothing from them. My wife likes to spoil herself and my son so much, that I always worry that he will end up completely ruined.

As much as I always used to warn her to look after him and not leave him to the nannies, she used to ignore my warnings and call me a bore. I mean I married this woman and she was not “High class” as much as she likes to pretend that she always was. Her real name is not even Fifi, she changed it when we officially became multi rich. You will never hear the end of it, if you call her by her real name by mistake! And as for my son. What can I say about him? Everything that is bad, he is doing it.

I try to turn a blind eye and pretend that I do not know what he is up to, but I know EXACTLY what he is doing. From smoking weed, to sleeping with girls to parties till 4 in the morning. You name it he does it, I do not wanna even think about the things that I do not know about!

Why would you not punish him I hear you wonder? I cannot, because deep down I wanna feel needed by my wife and my son even if it is just for money. I know that my wife did not marry me because she thought I was the best looking person to her. No, I know she only married me because I was rich at the time I proposed to her. I just made my first million back then, but that was enough to dazzle her. The truth is I need them to need me, otherwise I will be cast aside by them if I’m of no use to them.

That is why I will do whatever it takes to maintain and save the last remaining shops that I have. But it is getting harder, and I am getting closer to close one of the shops by each passing day. My wife’s and my son’s expensive life style is not helping either! They do not know anything about the fact that I closed the other shops. So my wife is continuing with organizing her super expensive parties every month, and my son is wasting his life away as well. The debt is mounting and there is nothing I can do right now, I tried borrowing money from the bank but I got declined because I’m already maxed out.

As I am sitting here lost in my thoughts I hear a knock on my door.

“Come in” I tell the person on the other side of the door.

“Sir, there’s a lawyer called Sharif waiting to see you” Says the polish lady who comes to clean our house everyday.

“Sharif?? ok I’ll be out in a sec” I reply to her.

Sharif?? who is he and what does he want?? OH NO, he better not be one of my relatives asking to be partners with me in business!! I hate those offers uff!!

I will just go and see what he wants anyway, because this one seems interesting as he is a “lawyer”. I go out to meet him, and I see a guy who looks like he’s in his fifties waiting and smiling as soon as I greet him.

“Salamu Alykum son” He greets me.

“Wa Alykum asalam. How can I help you?” I ask directly as I do not want to waste my time with non sense.

“I’m your mother’s cousin, and I’m also a lawyer. Your mother has left a will for me to present it to you and your brother, in the event of her death” He informs me.

”A will??” I ask curiously.

“Yes, she left you and your brother Mohamed a sum of one million pounds to be halved between you” He replies.

“REALLY??? ARE YOU KIDDING OR IS THIS FOR REAL??” I ask in astonishment not believing how this money could come at such great timing.

“No I’m not kidding, I wouldn’t come all the way here to joke with you son” He says with a hint of annoyance at my suggestion.

“Sorry, you just have NO IDEA how much this will help my business” I explain.

“That’s alright. Now where can I find your brother Mohamed?” He asks.

“My brother? Oh that’s OK. You can give me his half and I’ll pass it on to him, because he lives all the way in Egypt you see” I tell him thinking yeah right like I am going to give him a penny, I AM the one who looked after our mum all these years so I ALONE deserve the money.

“Your brother or his daughter Shaimaa have to be present for the will reading as part of the condition, so I release the money” He explains.

“What condition????” I ask, getting anxious from the turn of events.

“Your mother insisted that in order for any of you to get the money, your son Osman and Mohamed’s daughter Shaimaa MUST be married for at least a year and then they can do whatever they want after that” He informs me.

“WHAT??????????????????? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??” I ask feeling the blood rising to my brain.

“What it means is that I have to see a marriage certificate that lasts for a year or a divorce paper in a years time for you and your brother to get your halves” He tells me.

“That’s NONSENSE. You can’t do that!!!!! I’ll contest the will in court saying that my mum was not in her right mind” I challenge him.

“You can do that sir, but your mum had her brain tested and got a certificate from a doctor to prove it. I can make the case go for years and the money will be hung in court” He explains smugly.

I say nothing and ask him to give me time to decide what to do. He leaves the house, and I sit here WONDERING what the hell was mum thinking doing this to me?

If I did not need the money I would tell him to STUFF IT, but I am desperate to get my hands on them. OH MY GOD I HAVE TO TALK TO MY BROTHER? and WORSE! I HAVE TO MARRY MY ONLY SON TO HIS DAUGHTER? Things could not be worse for me right now……….. I am sooo desperate that I am willing to marry my son to the one person I hate the most, but the question is will my son accept?

Meanwhile upstairs not realizing what went on downstairs, or the fact that his dad is planning his wedding Osman is sitting in his bed listening to Tinie Tempah pass out

Osman

Yeah (Yeah) we bring the stars out,

We bring the women and the cars and the cards out,

Lets have a toast a celebration get a glass out,

And we can do this until we pass out.

He mouths the words and sings along as if HE was the singer, he believes in every word that he is saying.

“One day people are gonna be singing my songs and shout OZZY OZZY WE LOVE YOUUU” Thinks 19 year Ozzy as he day dreams about that day.

Man, I am bored out of my mind here!! There is nothing interesting for me to do anymore. I mean ask me anything and I would tell you DONE IT. I have done almost everything a 19 year old boy is supposed to do. I lost my virginity, I smoke weed, I party till dawn so you see I have done EVERYTHING and now I am bored.

My life feels empty, and before you say why do not work for your dad. I will say, ARE YOU CRAZY? PLEASE he is supposed to work and bring ME money. Plus I will get bored, sitting in a desk and looking after the shop.

Nah man, I need something else. What could I do? what could I doo?

My thoughts get interrupted by a knocking on my door. I ask who it is and it turns out to be my dad,

“Oh great!! HEEREEE HE COMESSS TO WRECK MY DAAAAAAYYYYYYYY” I opera sing it in my head.

“Hey Ozzy, can I talk to you for a sec” Asks my dad as he enters the room.

“What’s up Khalifa” I answer him with his first name as I always call him.

“It’s dad warya!! Anyway I don’t have the energy to argue with you right now. I have a request from you”, he informs me while getting impatient.

“A request??” I ask.

“Yes. Don’t you think it’s time for you to settle down and get married?” He asks JOKINGLY I hope.

“Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” I stop gasping for air and then I continue with

“Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, Man you get funnier by the minute walahi” I reply while wiping tears of laughter.

“What’s so funny? I’m serious you useless person” He tells me seriously.

“You’re not joking? You’re actually serious about this? Do I look like a Mona or a Zahra to you? Dad, I’m a guy yeah. You can’t force me to marry now!!” I say in astonishment.

“Fine! How about you get married to this person and you GAIN something from it” He explains.

“You mean wink wink?” I ask cheekily.

“NO! I mean yeah of course wink wink but something else as well” He says.

“You mean more wink wink” I annoy him to make him uncomfortable so he can leave the room.

“OSMAN I’m serious. If you marry this person, I’ll give you £100.000 ALL yours” He suggests the VERY interesting offer.

“£100.000? FOR ME?” I ask not believing what I am hearing right now.

“Yeah, and you only need to be married to her for one year only” He continues with the explanation.

“That doesn’t sound too bad at all, so who’s the lucky bride?” I ask getting excited about the money.

“Your cousin Shaimaa” He reveals her name

“OH HELL NOOOOO! I’M NOT DOING THAT!! ARE YOU CRAZY??”